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How Many Kids Do You Have?
A Question Asked to a Birthmother with Children

Shay and her son are at the park and he is swinging with the other kids. Next to her is an older woman sitting just watching all the children. Shay yells out to her son to be nice to the little boy beside him. The woman asks if her son is her only child. Shay hesitates.
"Yes he is my only child but technically I have 3." she says.
The older woman puzzled says "Oh you are divorced then?"
"Divorced, yes. But that isn't why I don't have my other children."
The older woman nods her head and goes back to watching the children play. A few minutes have passed and the older woman clears her throat.
"So what happened?" she says.
"With?" Shay says
"Your other children." the woman replies.
"Oh" Shay says. "Its a long story. And I really don't feel like talking about it."

The older woman even more confused just nods her head again and goes back to watching the children playing. Shay yells for her son and they go home.

At home Shay goes through her photo albums of her 2 birthchildren. She read all the letters sent to her and reflects on what happened that day with the older woman. She starts to cry and apologized to her birthchildren for not telling the older woman all about them.

"It's just too hard and I don't want to be judged. Please forgive me. But I can't handle the pain anymore."
"How many kids do you have?" That question haunts a birthmother/mother every time it is asked. They are unsure of how to answer it. Some can easily say the "truth", others find it very difficult. For Shay it is a question that is difficult to answer sometimes. She fears being judged for her decisions. If she were to answer the "truth" then she would have to explain it. And that would mean all the memories of those 2 events would come back to her. Events that she is trying to deal with, forgive and accept.
One thing Shay has learned over the years is that it is ok to say she has only one son. She isn't lying to herself and she really isn't lying to the one that is asking her. Technically she does only HAVE one child. She knows that her 2 birthchildren live in heart forever but that is something that is personal and private. It's ok to keep it to herself and not share it with anyone.
A birthmother has secrets and dreams that only other birthparents would understand. It is a deep seeded need to see, touch and feel her birthchild. The memory for some birthmothers are based on that last kiss or last word spoken to their birthchild. Some didn't have that. For some the last memory is that final kick before the child was born.
It's ok to keep these memories to yourself when asked "How many children do you have?". Only you can control how much you want to say and when. But Shay can tell you that if you do say the "truth" sometimes you will get angry reactions and sometimes you will get loving reactions. Either way it is your decision on how you want to answer. And it is in your control on how much you want to say and hear from others after you tell your story. If it is something that brings up too much hurt and pain then know it is ok to keep it within. If it is something you can handle and share openly then do it. Either way be proud of your decision. You know in your heart what you did was right and in the end that is all that matters.

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