My name is Jane and this is the story of my son's adoption.

I remember telling my parents that I was pregnant and the reaction was one of disbelief and shock, the year was 1985. How I spent my confinement was determined by my parents silence and I knew they wanted me and the baby to disappear. I had just completed a year in college and the consensus was I would come back after giving the baby up for adoption and just get on with my life as if nothing had happened.

I spent the last six months of my pregnancy in a mother and baby home in Cork. My son was born in 1986 and he was a beautiful baby boy! I had spent the last six months of my pregnancy brainwashing myself in to giving my baby up for adoption because my parents wanted me to. I now was 19 years of age and had spent the previous six months of my pregnancy brainwashing myself in to giving my baby up for adoption because my parents wanted me to. I felt so helpless, I had no control on this decision, I was a puppet with my strings being pulled by my parents. I felt my options were a) keep my son and loose my family or b) give my son up for adoption and I would regain my spot in the family. My mother's detachment was the key for me, her disapproval was shown by her silence and I knew what I had to do, for her the shame of a child born out of wedlock was too much to be borne.

I left him after 4 days, I could not bear the pain any longer, I knew I had to leave him, I fed him, changed him and had a long chat with him, I told him how much I loved him and that I would always love him, even if I never knew him, he came from me and that in itself was an unbreakable bond. To this day I do not know how I walked away from him, but I did. I thought I would break in half with sorrow, this was not like ordinary grief, where you have a gravestone to visit, my son was alive and not with me because society had deemed that I had sinned and I had to pay the ultimate price.

My son is now 18 years of age and from what I know a happy and very together young man. I hope in the future that we will meet and spend time together. In his eighteen years on this earth there has not been one day that has not gone by without me thinking about him and until the day I die I will always have him firmly locked in my head and heart.