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Good advice from other moms in reunion:
- Be patient and take it slowly. It takes time, trust, and respect to build a
relationship. Assure your child of your love and that you will always be
there.
- Read and gather knowledge about parents' and adoptees' issues so you
can be prepared.
- Get support, either from this group or a group near home, and express
any frustrations to your support group. Don't take your problems to your
child.
- Have realistic expectations and be aware that your child has another life
and family beyond your reunion and cannot always give you the time and
attention you'd like.
- Know that a rollercoaster of emotions is normal; that you may feel
obsessed for a time but that "this too will pass."
More advice for newly reunited parents:
- Keep expectations low.
- Appreciate what you have.
- Let them do some of the pursuing.
- Avoid complaints or confrontations.
- Avoid the "motherly" actions and words until they are asked for.
- Don't expect your child to heal you or make your pain go away. Only
you can do that. A support group can help much more, and be beneficial to
both of you, as you take your concerns and questions to the support
group.
- Make contacts with your child fun for them, so they will want more.
- "Expect the unexpected." Whatever that means.
- Compliment and praise them.
- Let them choose what they want to be to you or your family. This can, and
often does, change with time.
- Be patient and take things slowly, no matter how much you want to 'leap'
into a fast and steady relationship; it takes time to build trust and be
comfortable with the vulnerability needed to build this relationship.
- READ about adoptees issues and mom feelings....nothing in this
relationship is like any other that you will encounter in life and being prepared
for and understanding some of the dynamics is very helpful.
- No matter how much pain is involved for YOU, recognize and respect the
life that your child had before, the family that there are loyalties to, and love
for, for that is all that your child has known. To deny that life in any way, or
show disapproval for it, is to disrespect the very child that you want a
relationship with.
- Know that reunion brings a rollercoaster of emotions....extreme highs
and just as low lows....mixed in with confusion and the pain of healing. Time
will tend to calm the rollercoaster ride and smooth it out a bit.
- Keep in mind that although reunion is an event, it will remain a work in
progress, maybe forever, and will be forever changing.
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